Seasons Greetings Received

Dear Karl von Helvete esquire,


Now listen here von Helvete and listen close, for this is a cautionary tale from the golden age of Pamparius, where the Apocalypse Dudes are in a mad rush to get it on in a self destructo bust kind of way! Warning: This story contains a dazzling display of talent but also the mortal ring of deathtime. Read on.

As you are aware, it is well known that Turbonegro hate the kids, calling them a bunch of hobbit motherfuckers and screaming at them ‘imorgen skal eg daue’ and all that. However, they too have their enemies, as Raggare are obviously a bunch of motherfuckers who thought that Turbonegro must be destroyed. This caused a war between the Party Animals, which left the Scandinavian leather on the Le Saboteurs drenched in blood, with just flesh being flung everywhere. Horrible.

Now that all my friends from the city of Satan are dead, after getting wasted again and high on the crime, I guess you, Karl, are the only one left to blow me like the wind and then wipe it ‘til it bleeds eh? And by the way, if you see Kaye in the aftermath of this war ravaged land- tell her that I love her and to please stay free, because death from above is not as pleasant as hot stuff, or hot shit for that matter.

But I’m not worried about you remaining untamed Karl, because I know you can always keep your good head in a mobile home. That’s as long as I give you just a minute while you fuck the world! Even though I wanted everything on the train of flesh, I still need your permission to gimme some. Sigh. I suppose I just have to sell my body to the night to get you to ride with us….

The streets are no longer safe. So lastly, to you my sailor man friend, I give you my final warning. Are you ready for some darkness, or to go back to dungaree high? Or perhaps you have already had a rendezvous with anus and ended up in Babylon forever? No? Well then keep listening to that monkey on your back my friend; otherwise you'll end up down humiliation street where you will meet the unholy trinity of the Denim Demon, the Midnight NAMBLA, and the truly terrifying Prince Of The Rodeo. So if you want to see this tri-ology of bad Mongo’s get locked down in the blizzard of flames, it is best to have the Zillion Dollar Sadist and the mighty Black Rabbit by your side at ALL TIMES.

And remember- don’t say motherfucker motherfucker, because these three Ass Cobras have definitely got erection and when provoked, totally rock against ass!

Signed,

Mattolladew


Disclaimer: The information in this letter, together with any attachments, contains every song title from the last 4 Turbonegro recordings- Ass Cobra, Apocalypse Dudes, Scandinavian Leather and Party Animals. If you have received this letter in error then I need to be shot since I gave it to you fucking personally. You must print off, copy, use and disclose its contents to whomever the fuck you want really. The views expressed are totally personal to the sender (that’s me, stupid fuck) and should not be taken as necessarily representing the views of Turbonegro at all (although I’m sure they would love the sentiment). Any laughter, chuckling or even mirth, gained by reading its content is purely coincidental. It is your responsibility to carry out all necessary virus checks, especially for herpes, which I heard Hank got from a new wave hooker girl.

Oh and merry fucking Christmas you crazy motherfucker!!!