Nazis dominate Oxford, Join the Resistance!

Your next door neighbour is highly likely to be a Nazi. Oxford is full of them. Relax Nathaniel! I am not talking about the dawn of the evil Hitler, not even about the freaks that march around with their cute black caps and pretty little leather belts. No, I am talking about a whole new breed of Nazis. Be aware, as they come in all colours and shapes. To find out more, read on!

In the Third Reich, as you might remember from history class, there were these old school Nazis. Their time has fortunately come and gone. However, through observational studies my research team has been able to identify the following modern types of Nazis in today’s Oxford along with their preferred breeding ground: The Living Room - the style Nazis, at Christ Church Collage- the intellectual Nazis, at the Castle Tavern - the gay Nazis, at the Goose – the time Nazis, at the Gappy Tooth - the dental Nazis. What do all these Nazi bastards have in common, you might ask?

Well, within their sub-segment they tend to dress alike, think alike and are very much self righteous. Just like the old school Nazis they generally prey in packs, only it’s not a convoy crossing the Atlantic in their sights, but your self esteem and in extreme cases your meagre existence. Yeah, that’s right, just like under developed school bullies, they will single you out before they ruin everything you want to be and everything you thought you were. How do they go about?

It’s very tricky to define their mode of operation. No true scientist has ever been able to penetrate their worlds, which are filled with secret handshakes, frowning looks, special clothing as well as a plethora of weird accessories, and return. However, it’s is not difficult to tell when you’ve been exposed to their uncanny techniques. Have you ever felt out of place, too dressed down, too dumb, too straight, too late or that you’re being treated like a green horn simply because you’ve never had a root canal? Well, guess what Mr/Ms Zillion Dollars? Your Ego has been blitzed and you are a victim of a modern Nazi attack! To find out how to make sure you never ever feel that way again, don’t stop here!

Firstly, decide if you are going to avoid Nazis by hanging out with good people. If you insist of hanging around Nazi playgrounds you are more likely to be targeted, it’s just a question of time. Secondly, don’t listen to their Nazi talk, you don’t have to you know, it’s not like they’re Jedi Knights or something. Thirdly, obtain the mental attitude of a bumble-bee. This might require some practise, but try the following mantra: -“I love you too, Nazi”. If nothing helps, contemplate Turbonegro’s “Rendez vous with anus”.

Karl

The writer is loosely associated with the political wing of the Oxfordese Liberation Army. Do you want to report Nazi activity or name a new species of Nazi – email the Denture. /Editor

As sent in to be published in the Denture November issue (figers crossed and wood touched)